Has anyone of you actually wondered why we lag? What makes Israelis so unhittable? Do Estonian servers contribute to a worse ping? This column provides the answers. Seriously.
When we attempt to look at what causes lag, the important thing to look at is not the player but the connection. So what does really happen on the way from the player's computer to the match server? Let's take a look at the individual countries and what happens when they play. To make this a little easiere, I will just assume that the match server is located in Germany (which has been the case for many games in the EuroCup etc.).
A packet's way
Israel
The classic. Now left with a head of state lying in a coma, it does not surprise us that the packets from Israel take a little longer to arrive. It is believed that Palestinians steal some packets to bleed Israel, and on their way through Syria packets are intercepted as well. The Iranian government is secretly collecting them to acquire information about the Israelian war tactics. Intelligence tells us that a few thousand packets from Israel are held in solitary confinement to be questioned. So is anyone actually surprised that people from Israel lag?
Hungary
Now, we all know about the Hungarian packets. Cheap women, cheap booze, who could say no? So they just take a little time, doing the things you do when you're wasted and a girl is sitting on your lap, and the morning after they wake up and finally go to where they were supposed to go - only a day late.
Poland
Ever since Poland became a part of the EU, Germany has feared that Polish workers might steal their jobs. So the number of guest workers was heavily restricted. When the GIPA (German Internet Packets Association) complained that this restriction did not affect the Internet and that they were being driven out of their jobs by cheap Polish packets, it was extended. Out of 10 packets that start to travel to Germany, only 4 make it across the border, both legally and illegally.
United Kingdom
The UK's big disadvantage is that a face check has been introduced for packets travelling to the continent. Since it is a truth universally acknowledged that beautiful people are rare in Britain, most of the packets just sit at the borders and cry, unable to cross because of their ugliness. Attempts to secretly mask British packets using pictures of Miss World contestants were discovered and lead to even stricter face checks.
China
Internet traffic from China to a capitalist country like Germany? Don't make me laugh.
France
French packets need longer than other packets. Much longer. Why's that? Because after eating a year's supply of baguettes and drinking red wine till they're filled up, they spend hours in the bath room to keep their typical look (not too straight!), only to complain at the end that the red beret doesn't go well with the green shoes.
Belgium
Belgian packets really want to be fast. They do everything to be first. They practically run at light speed. But with all those little, young packets floating around they just can't resist the temptation and get distracted.
Netherlands
Now what could possibly prevent a packet from the Netherlands from being fast, since the land is flat like nowhere else? Well, it still takes some time if you have to use a bicycle.
Estonia
Estonian packets travel through Latvia, Lithuania, Russia and Poland...so you're lucky if even one of them makes it all the way.
Switzerland
To show how independant they are, Swiss packets simply refuse to bring some of their independant wealth to Germany by travelling to a match server. They're independant, right? Then they can behave independantly.
Spain
Ah, the country of sun and hot women and fast pa...wait, is it Siesta already? And what is this strange thing everybody's talking about - something like "work"? Well, tomorrow's another day, let's rest for now, shall we?
Some packets are also said to be tackled by bulls - maybe they should try not to colour them all red.
Italy
Who controls all the packets? Right, the Family. Rivalries lead to shoot-outs with lots of dead packets. Some sink to the ground of lakes, which might be because of the concrete dragging them down. Others just enjoy the typical Italian way of life - eating pizza, singing and shooting the stranger who dared to look at your girl-friend packet.
Malta
My favourite one. Since Malta is connected to the rest of Europe through a single ISDN line, not many packets can be sent. During holidays, when almost all Maltese people (6) are playing, it is even worse. The government has big plans, however: They are planning to use Dual-ISDN within the next five years.
That's why they lag. You know it all, and there is little you can do about it.
Thanks for listening.
When we attempt to look at what causes lag, the important thing to look at is not the player but the connection. So what does really happen on the way from the player's computer to the match server? Let's take a look at the individual countries and what happens when they play. To make this a little easiere, I will just assume that the match server is located in Germany (which has been the case for many games in the EuroCup etc.).
A packet's way
IsraelThe classic. Now left with a head of state lying in a coma, it does not surprise us that the packets from Israel take a little longer to arrive. It is believed that Palestinians steal some packets to bleed Israel, and on their way through Syria packets are intercepted as well. The Iranian government is secretly collecting them to acquire information about the Israelian war tactics. Intelligence tells us that a few thousand packets from Israel are held in solitary confinement to be questioned. So is anyone actually surprised that people from Israel lag?
HungaryNow, we all know about the Hungarian packets. Cheap women, cheap booze, who could say no? So they just take a little time, doing the things you do when you're wasted and a girl is sitting on your lap, and the morning after they wake up and finally go to where they were supposed to go - only a day late.
PolandEver since Poland became a part of the EU, Germany has feared that Polish workers might steal their jobs. So the number of guest workers was heavily restricted. When the GIPA (German Internet Packets Association) complained that this restriction did not affect the Internet and that they were being driven out of their jobs by cheap Polish packets, it was extended. Out of 10 packets that start to travel to Germany, only 4 make it across the border, both legally and illegally.
United KingdomThe UK's big disadvantage is that a face check has been introduced for packets travelling to the continent. Since it is a truth universally acknowledged that beautiful people are rare in Britain, most of the packets just sit at the borders and cry, unable to cross because of their ugliness. Attempts to secretly mask British packets using pictures of Miss World contestants were discovered and lead to even stricter face checks.
ChinaInternet traffic from China to a capitalist country like Germany? Don't make me laugh.
FranceFrench packets need longer than other packets. Much longer. Why's that? Because after eating a year's supply of baguettes and drinking red wine till they're filled up, they spend hours in the bath room to keep their typical look (not too straight!), only to complain at the end that the red beret doesn't go well with the green shoes.
BelgiumBelgian packets really want to be fast. They do everything to be first. They practically run at light speed. But with all those little, young packets floating around they just can't resist the temptation and get distracted.
NetherlandsNow what could possibly prevent a packet from the Netherlands from being fast, since the land is flat like nowhere else? Well, it still takes some time if you have to use a bicycle.
EstoniaEstonian packets travel through Latvia, Lithuania, Russia and Poland...so you're lucky if even one of them makes it all the way.
SwitzerlandTo show how independant they are, Swiss packets simply refuse to bring some of their independant wealth to Germany by travelling to a match server. They're independant, right? Then they can behave independantly.
SpainAh, the country of sun and hot women and fast pa...wait, is it Siesta already? And what is this strange thing everybody's talking about - something like "work"? Well, tomorrow's another day, let's rest for now, shall we?
Some packets are also said to be tackled by bulls - maybe they should try not to colour them all red.
ItalyWho controls all the packets? Right, the Family. Rivalries lead to shoot-outs with lots of dead packets. Some sink to the ground of lakes, which might be because of the concrete dragging them down. Others just enjoy the typical Italian way of life - eating pizza, singing and shooting the stranger who dared to look at your girl-friend packet.
MaltaMy favourite one. Since Malta is connected to the rest of Europe through a single ISDN line, not many packets can be sent. During holidays, when almost all Maltese people (6) are playing, it is even worse. The government has big plans, however: They are planning to use Dual-ISDN within the next five years.
That's why they lag. You know it all, and there is little you can do about it.
Thanks for listening.
