I am so wrong

Can't help it but when my girlfriend touches or kisses me,
I feel next to nothing.

The female cousin of my best friend touches me and I feel anxious and get this tingling sensation.

I reckon the only reason I'm staying with my current girlfriend is due to my ego.. it's been a year since we started this and after 7 years of beeing a real slut for the first time I felt close to conformtable around an official relationship.

And my head keeps telling me.. If you let her go, she's gonna make somebody else happy. And I don't want that. I've tried beeing a dick and fking other women, it didn't help - didn't make it worse either.

And another huge problem is that everytime, I commit myself to something very special I end up beeing screwed even though I know in the beginning I try so hard can't rly explain I can get very creepy - that happened like 3 times in my whole life. Everytime I was sure of someone I knew it was gonna fail and I would end up on the creepy side of the story. Those 3 girls are still the only ones that actually said "No" to me. It's different with my current girlfriend as we only started dating because I just wanted to proof something to myself, that I've still got it in me. I never liked her as a human beeing, at all.
She knows that. She also knows what I did with other girls before our relationship was official and that I had a few "debts" to pay off.

I mean she is hot, she is cool but her business is just UNINTERESTING to me.
She even made photographs sucking my dick due to a request of a crossfire user. Just search for the journal I mean what the fuck best chick in the world i don't like her at all.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.
I'M NOT DEXTER MORGAN JUST WTF.
CANT I FEEL ANYTHING BESIDES WANTING WHAT I WILL NEVER GET ANYWAY?