Team coach available for LAN

Dear crossfire.nu computer users,

As you probably noticed I lost my interest in E-sport journalism but I come to you for a different matter.
Indeed, I would like to offer my very professional skills in order to make you win an ET LAN Tournament.

For the idiots who have spent a decade in their cavern and never seen the daylight... I am Colonel LeFrancis, CEO and leader of military operations at #follow.et.db house of very talented cyber-athletes since 2008.
I have led my computer soldiers to great victories over the last decade. We won together several and we are also known for being the only organization with who never used a cheat (except if you consider listening music with a microwave, a cheat).

Anyways, you must be :
- Talented : I don't want to waste my time with noobs
- Aiming for Top #1
- Able to pay me (I accept alcoholic beverages and charming ladies oh and also meal vouchers)

I will :
- Provide you with next level strategy and very advanced tactics
- Make sure the team moral is to the max 1337%
- Offer you finger stretching, by using a very ancestral technique used by Bruce Lee
- Care about your well being in-between very intense computer battles
- Teach you the art of driving vehicles and how to avoid being crushed when the truck moves near a wall.

If you fill the requirements and are interested by such an incredible offer, seize your chance!!!!1
Contact my agent niSmO aka Joe

Professionally yours,

Colonel LeFrancis - CEO of #follow.et.db since 2008, ex-cyberathlete, ex CF eSport journalist