Conversation is the spice of life!

The characters are so one dimensional. Yeah, no shit, they're all me! Imagine, me talking to me, what could be more entertaining, scroll down to see me seduce myself!

My mouse is fucking shit.

This conversation is fucking shit.

No man, seriously, it's got so much neg accel, and I'm not sure what DPI I should be using.

I'm not sure what drugs I should be using to make this conversation bearable, meth or crack?

Be serious man, you don't know anything about mice do you?

That depends on whether you know anything about meth or crack.

Stfu. (pronounce stu-foo)

Stfu? Is that some kind of chinese food, or have you finally realised no one listens to you and started using made up language.

No man, it's short for Shut the fuck up.

No, shut up is short for shut the fuck up, Be quiet is short for shut the fuck up, stfu is short for "I'm a fucking retard". It's not as if you even need to shorten your words, all you do is sit at your pc playing GI joe.

It's not fucking GI joe, it's ET.

Oh yeah I forgot, why don't they have flying bikes by the way, they were in the film

It stands for "enemy territory" you fucking idiot.

Yeah, ok.

Hmm, anyway, I'm not sure whether I should buy this new mouse or not.

How much is it?

£60.

£60 sounds reasonable, I mean, we are in 1929 Germany after all.



So you're finally attending this LAN?

Yeah, can't wait.

Did you pack condoms?

Yeah... Why?

I just imagine imagine there'll be lots of masturbation going on, put one over your head and protect yourself.

Yeah. Right. I'll go in with a condom over my head, that'll help me fit in.

You're right, you should probably add some tin foil in there somewhere.

I just hope we don't get knocked out in the first round.

Yeah, I mean, THAT would be embarrassing.

There's some good swedes attending, they could be hard to beat.

They let vegetables play games now?

No, a swede, like a swedish person.

So why are they so good?

I don't know, they just sit around playing games all day.

Isn't that exactly what you do? Isn't that the reason you've gained weight, lost interest in your appearance, and dropped so far down the social ladder that you're even ranked below circus freak?

Well .... yeah..

So you're not even that good at being a social failure. Anyway, apart from the protection, what else are you bringing to the lan? Alcohol?

Nah, we want to win. I'm bringing my mouse, my icemat and my pc.

Your ice mat? So what is that exactly? When you get all hot and flustered at the sight of a good frag, you rub yourself against it and "cool yourself down.

Yeah, that's exactly it.





You wanna watch my movie?

Yeah sure, what's it about?

It's a frag movie.

A fag movie huh? Well, I always suspected.

No man, a frag movie, remember, frag? When you kill someone in the game.

Ah yes, I remember.

Well this is a collection of my best frags.

So I get to see what you've wasted your life on?

Yeah.

Sounds entertaining. Send away

(Minutes later.)

You got it?

Yeah, it doesn't work, I just get a black screen and some music.

You've got to download a codec, noob.

Noob? Codec? Jesus, It never fucking stops with you people. I don't want a codec.

Well, you need one to play the movie.

Oh no, how will I ever live, please, spare me my misery.

I spent a few days on that clip.

Wow, really?

Yeah.

Why did you tell me that, did you think I'd be impressed that you spent a few days on your fragmovie? Did you think it would make you sound like less of an idiot?

No.

Well, atleast you know there's no way you could sound like less of an idiot. But anyway, you're wasting more of your time on video editing now?

Yeah, but I mean, It doesn't take too much time away from gaming.

Oh, well aslong as you can still spend 16 hours a day gaming, I guess it doesn't matter.

I don't spend 16 hours a day playing games.

No you're right, about an hour of that is spent jerking off and drinking red bull. You're quite the rennaisance man.

Fuck off.



You coming out tonight?

I can't, I've got a CB match.

What the fuck is CB?

Clanbase, it's a website clans use to organise games with each other.

Right, so you call your team your clan?

Yeah.

Sounds a bit cultish to me, do you run around in Tunics and paint your faces?

No, it's just a group of guys who like playing games.

And touching each other in their nether regions?

No man, I've told you I'm not gay.

Yet you make fag movies and touch up other men.

Anyway, I've got to play this match, if we win we get to the top of the ladder.

And what happens then, you give you and your team mates a celebratory wank?

Nothing happens, we're just top of the ladder.

So you play all this time, and all you get is your name at the top of some list?

Yeah, pretty much.

You know, you're already top of my "Losers who will kill themselves before they hit 30 list", there's no need to over achieve.

I think if we get to the top we might even get sponsored.

Who would want to sponsor a bunch of loser 16 year olds who have nothing better to do with their lives than play computer games?

Microsoft.

Figures.



We finally got sponsored.

Wow, so they're paying you to pay video games? I have to admit, I never thought you'd make anything out of gaming, thought you'd just end up a complete loser.

Not pay so much, they gave us some free mousemats.

I take back my previous statement.

Well, atleast it's something, what'd you ever get?

20 grand and 2 weeks off per year.

Whatever, I'm getting free shit for playing games.

Yeah man, a mousepad, SCORE, I bet the ladies are battering down your door.

Not everything in life is about women you know.

Yeah I do know, some peoples lives revolve around moving a tiny little dot around a screen so that they can kill virtual men. I imagine that is much more satisfying.

Fuck off, I enjoy it, that's all that matters.

Sure, tell that to your psychotherapist when the voices start.

Anyway, we didn't just get free mousepads, we got a server as well?

I guy named Hosé who serves you drinks?

No, a games server, a place where people connect to play a match.

Oh, score again, maybe you can invite women back to your supplydepot2 and canoodle by the radio.

Fuck off.



One for the queers!

1 I can't even begin to tell you the pain I'm in right now
f1 and I can't even begin to tell you how much you deserve it.
1 What did I do? I don't remember anything past dry humping the bar stool.
f1 That seemed to be just the opening act to your stage show of debauchery.
f1 I think the worst of it was your constant proposition to lover2, she seemed less than amused.
1 You're joking, right? It's not fair to play on my insecurities like that.
f1 Do I look, even remotely, like a court jester to you?
1 I don't think a jester could be so base.
f1 It's true, you did everything but offer her cash and a cheap hotel room.
1 I think you should just hand me some razer blades and ice.
f1 You never know, she might find drunken desperation cute.
1 Yeah, maybe, or perhaps she might just find me disguisting.
f1 I think we're planning another get together on friday, if can stomach a room full of dirty looks.
1 Will lover2 be there?
f1 Yeah, I think so, if you haven't put her off for life.
1 Ok, it's a date then.
f1 After last night, there won't be any dates for you in a while.


friday \o/


1 I think you were right about the dirty looks.
f1 huh?
1 I haven't been able to make eye contact with anyone for the past 30 minutes.
f1 Have you talked to lover2 yet?
1 Well I would, but it's hard to talk to someone when they refuse to look at you.
f1 If she's listening, it doesn't matter.
1 I guess.
f1 Just go, I won't live through another one of your drunken "why I love her" rants.
1 I rant?
f1 No, you just babble incessantly for hours on end.
1 My self confidence is rising by the minute.

l1 Heeey
l2 Hi
l1 I'm sorry about tuesday, I believe I had too much to drink
l2 You think!
l1 Ok, I know I had too much to drink, but I do think I might have made an ass out of myself.
l2 Yeah.
l1 So, erm, how have things been with you.
l2 Good.
l1 Descriptive reply. I really feel like I know you.
l2 Sarcasm isn't an attractive quality.
l1 Neither is ice queen.
l2 I'm not an ice queen!
l1 Trust me, you're like mobile air con.
l2 You can be quite the charmer when you're not dancing on tables.
l1 Don't tell anyone, but I am actually James Bond.
l2 He's really let himself go then.
l1 You're calling me fat?
l2 Amongst other things.
l1 Again with the bitterness, was I really that bad.
l2 You were worse, but let's just forgive and forget.
l1 Shame there's nothing to forget.
l2 It really isn't.
l1 Well, I'd better get back to my friend, he'll probably be out in the street looking for a vommiting me.
l2 Yeah, maybe we'll bump into each other later on.
l1 If by bump you mean stumble, I'm sure we will, see you later.

l1 I think I just flirted.
l2 Really?
l1 I think.
l2 I don't see a look of utter disdain on her face at the moment, it must have went well, by your standards anyway.
l1 Yeah, no drinks were thrown and no people were injured. All in all a memorable achievement.
l2 So what made you think you'd flirted? What were the signs.
l1 Well, in the middle of the conversation she took out a magic marker and wrote "WE'RE FLIRTING" on her forehead. It was quite the spectacle.
l2 I imagine so, but were there any more subtle signs that led you to the flirting conclusion?
l1 She didn't call me a sarcastic bastard and storm off, also she said that we'd "maybe bump into each other" later on.
l2 That is interesting, maybe, and I'm stretching reality to it's limits here, just maybe she likes you.
l1 I don't think so, she's more like a dream than reality anyway. I can't really imagine how'd I'd start anything with her. Although the conversation did seem quite easy.
l2 What do you mean?
l1 It just seemed easier to talk, I didn't feel nervous like I do with other strange women.
l2 No tongue tying or innapropriate utterances?
l1 Nope. Just plain straight sarcasm.
l2 Maybe it is true lover, maybe you'll both live happily ever after.
l1 Yeah, maybe.

Many drinks later.

l2 Heeey again.
l1 Hey.
l2 I'm feeling a little bit tipsy.
l1 Me too, I think another drink and I'm ready to start the table dancing again.
l2 God no.
l1 God couldn't stop me table dancing if he tried.
l2 I think he just overts his eyes.
l1 Yeah.
l1 I was wondering something.
l2 And what was it?
l1 I'll start with a statement first I guess.
l2 And what is it?
l1 I like you.
l2 Wow
l1 I guess i'm saying this to try and charm you or something. It's better than my first plan anyway.
l2 What was your first plan?
l1 An alpha male courting table dance. But anyway, I like you.
l2 How long have you liked me?
l1 Since a long time.
l2 Really?
l1 Yeah.
l2 I like you aswell.
l1 Really?
l2 Yeah.
l1 I had not planned for that reply. I had the whole gracious loser thing worked out to perfection though.
l