old chuck, but good chuck.....
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10 May 2008, 00:34
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Journals
add your own shit and gimme some giggles.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian
some of these are fucking priceless :P
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian
some of these are fucking priceless :P
best one xD
so many are so funny tbh...
chuck norris doesnt ask perfo, perfo asks chuck norris
1. David Hasselhoff once walked down the street with a massive
erection. There were no survivors.
2. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures David
Hasselhoff allows to live. There is no "I" in team. There are two
"I"s in David Hasselhoff. **** you, team.
3. When David Hasselhoff drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
4. When David Hasselhoff was born, the nurse said, "Holy *rap!
That's David Hasselhoff!" Then she had had sex with him. At that
point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
5. When David Hasselhoff goes to donate blood, he declines the
syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
6. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects David
Hasselhoff could use to kill you, including the room itself.
7. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from David Hasselhoff and forgot to pay him back.
8. David Hasselhoff can count backwards from infinity.
9. Crop circles are David's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fu*k down.
10. When David Hasselhoff jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets David instead. David Hasselhoff is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
11. David Hasselhoff can divide by zero.
12. In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World
Records it notes that all world records are held by David
Hasselhoff, and those listed in the book are simply the closest
anyone has ever come to matching him.
13. David Hasselhoff is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to
put up with lactose's * hit.
14. David Hasselhoff has two speeds: walk and kill.
15. David Hasselhoff is the reason why Wally is hiding.
16. David Hasselhoff can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
17. You are what you eat. That is why David Hasselhoff diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
18. David Hasselhoff once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even
touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat
itself out of fear.
19. David Hasselhoff played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
20. If you were to lock David Hasselhoff in a room with a guitar,
a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would
sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this David replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to
show the seriousness of his response.
21. On his birthday, David Hasselhoff randomly selects one lucky
child to be thrown into the sun.
22. David Hasselhoff doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his *enis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while
fu**ing another.
23. When David Hasselhoff does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself
up, he's pushing the Earth down.
24. Whenever David Hasselhoff puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away
as an inferno erupts behind him.
25. David Hasselhoff invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
26. David Hasselhoff coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse"
after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
27. David Hasselhoff haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares.
28. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when David
Hasselhoff punched himself in the face.
Mr. T
Mr. T destroyed the periodic table, saying Mr. T. only recognizes the element of surprise.
Mr. T can walk on water. He can also walk on fire. His preference however, is to walk on fools.
Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.
Mr. T scared the black out of Michael Jackson.
Contrary to popular belief, Mr. T was not beat by Sylvester Stallone in Rocky III. He actually lost to Stallone's stuntman, Chuck Norris. It took 5 hours of work by a dozen makeup artists to make Chuck Norris ugly enough to be a believable Stallone. Even with Chuck Norris, it was still necessary to use 3 metric tons of animal traquilizers to knock Mr. T out long enough for a 10 count.
When in the presence of Mr.T a magic-8-ball ALWAYS predicts PAIN!
The stork does not deliver babies; Mr. T throws them to your doorstep. The baby has already been blessed with his pity and branded a fool.
Satan sold his soul to Mr. T.
Mr T tried to break the speed of light in the A-Team van because he wanted to prove that quantum physices was a bunch of Jibba Jabba.
The police stopped him doin 100fps - thats 100 fools pitied per second
When Mr. T isn't busy pitying fools, he gives back to the community by teaching a Jibba Jabba As A Second Language class to immigrants.
Mr. T shot J.R
When Chuck Norris interrupted Mr. T's breakfast of diesel fuel and shovels, Mr. T stood up and Chuck Norris sh1t himself, knowing a roundhouse kick to the face was useless to Mr. T's pity
Mr. T invented nuclear power while wanking in the back of his van, the formula is pity(p) mulitpied by fools(f) divided by jibba jabba. This resulted in modern nuclear fisson - take that nuclear physics
Mr T does not hunt because the word
hunting infers the probability of failure.
Mr T goes
killing.
Mr T counted to infinity - twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he
checks his closet for Mr T
Mr T ordered a Big Mac at Burger King,
and got one.
Mr T can touch MC Hammer.
Mr T likes to knit sweaters in his free
time. And by
"knit", I mean "eat", and by "sweaters", I mean
"babies".
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that
this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a
warning, that the spot belongs to Mr T and that you will be
handicapped if you park there.
:O)