Today's Agenda

I thought I'd give you all a brief overview of what I plan on doing today:

7:30 AM - Wake up, look at the giant collage on my wall of George W. Bush and Jesus holding AK-47's. Masturbate to said collage.
7:45 AM - Shower using soap made by Mexicans in a sweatshop. I never buy American products because I am so racist that I want to support slave labor.
8:15 AM - Get in my monster truck, crank up Hank Williams Jr's Greatest Hits and do a few burnouts to waste gas. Run over a newspaper box because I hate the news. Remind myself that reading is for Europeans, who are all smarter than me but don't believe in God so they're going to hell anyways.
8:30 AM - Arrive at McDonald's drive-thru. Order five cheeseburgers. Become irritated when they tell me they do not serve cheeseburgers until 10:30 AM. Grab shotgun. Demand cheeseburgers, saying loudly "THIS IS AMERICA GOD DAMMIT!"
8:33 AM - Finish off my cheeseburgers. The cops stop me, but only to talk about how awesome my gun and my truck is, since only poor people don't carry guns around in public.
9:00 AM - Work. I actually work at another McDonald's, since there is one on every block, however, I'm a manager that makes $100,000 a year, which is the mean salary for white Americans. A lot of them don't have a lot of money because they spend it all on gas, Bibles, and cheeseburgers.
12:00 PM - Eat more cheeseburgers.
12:30 PM - Walk outside, piss on several homeless people. Secretly wish that they get AIDS. Fuck people that don't have money.
1:00 PM - Back to work. Bossing black people and Mexicans around is great.
5:00 PM - Done with work. Grab several cheeseburgers to go.
6:00 PM - Anti-abortion rally on the street in front of an abortion clinic. We plan on burning it down after the news people leave.
9:00 PM - Back home. Attempt sex, but my girlfriend and I are both so fat that this is impossible. I have no idea why.
9:02 PM - Decide that I want more cheeseburgers.

The rest of the evening is open, but part of it will be spent praying to George W. Bush.