Cooller facts

An old ESR threat but still worth a repost:

- Contrary to popular belief, cooller actually speaks english fluently, and 17 other languages, he just doesn't want to make you feel bad.

- Cooller does not time armours, they automatically spawn when he stands on the spawn point.

- Cooller times your armour, in his sleep, from 8000km's away.

- Cooller once killed himself and went to hell, challenged the devil to a game of Quake 3, and beat him 56 to -3. 36 of the frags were done by the gauntlet which Cooller decided to use "for the hell of it".

- Cooller doesn't time. He waits.

- Cooller once lagged and teleported right at MH and RA at the same time.

- It was once said Cooller's tears cure cancer, but he has never cried.

- When Cooller hit puberty he instantly grew 3 feet. You don't want to see what happened to his cock.

- Kash is actually Cooller, playing from Russia when he was bored.

- Cooller once was unable to pick up the railgun on pro-q3dm6, so instead he suicided and decided spawn on it. He then railed his opponent 50 times in one second to win the game.

- Cooller has 15 illegitimate Korean children. Each of whom's first words were "no brain no..".

- The movie, The Matrix, is in fact the story of Cooller's ability to "see" the code in Quake. Cooller is the One.

How it started:
[ 02:07:38 ] [ +tb0nE ] CZM does not time armours, they automatically spawn when he stands on the spawn point.
[ 02:07:38 ] [ +plut ] It's a little known fact that CZM was behind the creation and refining of the railgun from quake 2 to quake 3, in fact he became so good at it be became the slug that hit you.

Credits and Bloopers:
[ 02:24:44 ] [ +tb0nE ] ZeRo4 quit quake because Cooller told him to.
[ 02:25:05 ] [ +tb0nE ] ...not good?
[ 02:25:07 ] [ +tb0nE ] ok.

[ 02:15:33 ] [ ~Ph4ntom ] i'd rape the devil at q3
[ 02:15:37 ] [ ~Ph4ntom ] senseless

[ 02:13:46 ] [ +nmz ] Cooller fears no mortal.
[ 02:14:03 ] [ +nmz ] that wasn't a fact, just imo

[ 02:12:23 ] [ +plut ] Cooller actually invented the english language, teaching it to William Shakespeare and then got bored. He then decided to play quake and create Renglish to confuse his opponent.

Even More Cooller Facts

- In soviet Russia, armor time you!

- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Cooller allows to live.

- cooller once played CS... it took Valve 13 patches to remedy the aftermath.

- cooller doesn't crater, the ground beneath him runs away scared.

-Cooller doesn't time items, the temporal overlords wait for his permission then spawn them.

-Cooller doesn't use jump-pads, he looks gravity in the eye and it knows it better back the FUCK down.

-Cooller's barbed comments are so piercing, they've been under investigation by the Russian military. After studying preliminary intelligence data, the CIA classifies the resultant weapon as a greater threat to world safety than Al-Qaeda, global warming and Tony Blair put together.

-Cooller's shotgun aim is so good that even Dick Cheney rates it.

-Cooller's comments are so funny, Billy Connolly retired after hearing half of one.

-Cooller's nailgun aim is so good he can assemble an Ikea cabinet WITHOUT THE INSTRUCTIONS just by firing the weapon in game.

-Cooller's comments are so profound, a book of them passed the Bible as the best selling book of all time after just 15 minutes in print.

-Cooller's machinegun aim was - and still is - so good he was the first 3 year old permitted to join the Spetnaz.

-Cooller can draw cartoons of the Prophet Muhammed and not get fatwa'ed.

-Cooller's rocket aim is so good, it looks as if the rockets are travelling faster than his opponents'; they are - he's so badass they grab the first chance they can to get the FUCK away from him.

-Another famous Russian, Rasputin, famously died after withstanding a beating, a stabbing, being shot, drowned and poisoned, only eventually succumbing to hypothermia when thrown in a lake. On the eve of the last Asus tournament, Cooller was stabbed, shot, poisoned, raped, blinded, crushed, skinned, dismembered, hung, drawn and quartered, eaten and hit directly with a thermonuclear warhead, yet still got up the next day to beat his opponent 50 to -9 using just the gauntlet.

-Cooller's hyperblaster doesn't just shoot bolts, it ejaculates them due to the frenzy of sexual excitement at being under his command.

-The defeat in the Cold War, the demise of Communism, Russia's loss of its status as a global superpower and years of ensuing misery and poverty are the result of successive Soviet governments pouring billions into creating Cooller via genetic experiments. 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999% of Russians believe it was money well spent. The doubters are called Ev1l, Morfez and Jibo.

-Cooller's railgun aim is so good, the 1.2 patch will feature the gun with 1 damage per shot and a 10 minute reload time to balance things out.

-Cooller doesn't crouch slide - the map raises itself up to meet him.

-Cooller can telefrag any fucking time he likes; the whole damn world is his 'personal space'.

-When Cooller gibs an opponent, the viscera forms an exact replica of a painting by Picasso, Michelangelo or Da Vinci, depending on his mood.

-Cooller has never been roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.

-Cooller never runs away. He just chases you in reverse motion.

-If cooller is late for the RA, time better slow the fuck down

-Cooller doesn't play russian style, he just plays one handed.

-Every time Cooller lags, a kitten dies.

-Sujoy did not create ESReality. Cooller created ESR while waiting for the RA to spawn on DM6 vs. ZeRo4 during ESWC.

-Cooller can impregnate any girl from across the room just by shooting the lightning gun.

-The MH does not spawn for Cooller. Cooller spawns for the MH.

-Cooller does not run away. He chases you in reverse-motion.

-Cooller has separate binds for raping his opponent 46:-3, 57:-9, or 34:-5.

-When Cooller was 11, he got gene therapy like that guy in Die Another Day, and turned into Thresh. After a successful Q1/Q2 career and retirement, he turned back into a whiteboy to play Q3.

-Cooller pretends to be using headphones. He is actually deaf. And blind. And paralyzed in both arms.

-Cooller doesn't need to hear or see you. He knows exactly where you are on the map by measuring the levels of hormones you are releasing into the air in real-time.

-Cooller likes to make you think the game was close, when he was actually playing one-handed with his eyes closed, getting blown by three girls simultenously.

-If Cooller ever had to play himself, the game would crash instantly.

-Every time Cooller sits down to play, the game automatically puts him into God mode.

-Cooller is such a good aimer, his rails are homing, and his shotgun pellets actually converge.

-Cooller records his demos as "fragged_by_cooller_vol_XXX.netdemo".

-If there was ever a Q3 Cooller bot, it would be impossible to add to the game, as you could never specify a high enough skill value.

-Cooller is so good, he could telefrag himself if he fucking wanted to.

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